Before Covid hit, I fell into depression. I didn’t want to get up and shower, I didn’t want to go to work. The only thing that I wanted to do was lay in bed, pull my covers over my head and disappear. But life doesn’t work like that. And after Covid hit, it got worse. Everyday I got up, and got dressed. I went to work, made money for my rent and bills, came home and then I fell into a deep dark hole. Work, sleep, work, sleep. That’s the only thing I did. It got to the point where I would sleep fourteen, fifteen hours a day and still be exhausted. Now, I’m not writing this to make you feel sorry for me. I just want to put you in my mindset. I stopped caring. About everyone, everything, but mostly me. I didn’t care if I made it through the week let alone the day. I also believed that no one would care. And that’s when I started pushing people away. Especially my friends. I didn’t want them to know what I was going through so I stopped answering calls, text messages and emails.
To me, feeling how I was feeling was a disgrace and an embarrassment. I was a young woman who was single, childless, had a roof over my head, and a family who loved me and I didn’t know what to do. I had also been told previously by a family member while I was going through this that I would never understand how this felt - mind you when I was told this - I was trying to get ready and ask for help. I have never told this family member how their words affected me but after that I shut down even more. After that, I felt like no one would care even more. I could barely even get the energy to get up and take a shower. If I couldn’t tell my family what I was going through, how could I tell anyone else?
There was one friend who I was messaging and in the middle of messaging each other, she asked me if I was okay. When I said no, she asked me again. I still remember that message to this day. I remember how lost I was, I wondered if she knew but I also wondered if I should tell her that I wasn’t okay. The thoughts that kept running through my head were no ones going to care. No one will understand. I have no reason to feel like this. Other people are going through more than me so I need t keep this to myself. In the end, I didn’t tell her anything about what I was going through. I closed out the messaging app and decided not to tell anyone.
So I didn’t ask for help. And when people asked if I was okay, I refused to be honest so I lied to everyone. And in time, I got tired of lying so I pushed people away. The only people I spoke to were family or the people from my job, or the people that were brought to my house. And I barely spoke to them before I returned to my room and locked the door. Any time someone would message me, I would never answer back. Little by little, the time I didn't talk to anyone got bigger and bigger. And soon enough, it was too big to try and fix.
I still haven’t talked to any of the friends that I stopped talking to while I was going through this. I never knew then and still don’t know how to explain what went through my head during this time of my life. Or if they would even want to hear from me as to how abruptly I stopped speaking to them. Plus, I’m still a little scared to experience the reactions of people when I tell them what I felt during this time. If I ever do, I'll update this and let you know how it went.
Have you ever gone through this? If you have, please let me know how you got through it in the comments.
P.S. I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed but I’m doing a lot better now.
If you need emotional support are are thinking about committing suicide, please call 1-800-273-8255.